I must apologise for my recent negligence, readers, for I have been inattentive to your needs as keen gatherers of all news from Poland, and too wrapped up, as they say, in my own affairs to pay attention to my devoted followers on this here blog.... so, for this I am deeply sorry. I have been devoting every waking hour (when not teaching zombified teenagers) to embracing my new culture, by learning the language and hanging around in disreputable drinking establishments.... it is a time consuming business let me tell you.

So let me give you an insight into the difficulties of learning that language they call Polish....

Problem number 1 – they have a polite form and an impolite form which I can't fathom out how to use. So I know you have to be polite to the elderly and the authorities, but I've heard people use it all the time no matter who they're speaking to; heck, people even say it to me and I'm neither elderly nor an authority figure (can you image?!). So this causes me stress, because it's much easier to talk in the impolite form but when you add the Pan/Pani (Mr/Mrs) the structure of the verb changes. So I fear offending a person every time I speak to them, because this system, used incorrectly causes great offence. However, it's not as bad as when I was in Russia (have I mentioned that...?) I was told that back in the days of communism they just used to call everyone Comrade but when that was abolished they introduced the system where you approach a person by calling them girl, woman, boy or man but this too is easily misused and can cause offence for example if you approach a young woman what do you call her, girl or woman? It's too complicated and everyone should adopt the British way of just being impolite to everyone.

More of this subject to follow at a later date, but I'm afraid I have already bored you with all these trivialities.

At the weekend we, the school I work at, celebrated Thanksgiving by eating the traditional turkey plus stuffing. It's a tradition here at our school as they have always had a native speaker from America (it's not the same as British English but it'll do!) so we even had a genuine real-life American to oversee the whole event. We didn't have the Superbowl on, as I believe is the norm, but we substituted it for Chelsea vs Man United.

The 31st of November is the day when people in Poland celebrate before the beginning of Advent. Normally this is a day when people take part in all kinds of superstitious activities such as melting candle wax and mixing it with water, then pouring it through the hole in a key, waiting for the wax to set and then looking at it's shadow from a candle to reveal their future and other such nonsense. They also drink a lot and have a party. And you know what they do before they open a bottle of vodka? They slap it's bottom really hard with their hand or elbow (yes – ouch!). They do that all the time not just on 31st November.

It's been a fun-packed week, and adventure is in store for the weekend so expect great things, readers!

Things in this town are spooky, as I have already mentioned, but it doesn't stop at zombified teenagers. No, there is definitely something unnatural, you could even say SUPER-natural, about time here. For a start it feels like I've been here FOREVER, but if I consult a calendar it informs me that I have actually only been here 4 weeks.... secondly, every time I go to the local bar (which I like to call the Bronze just because of the spooky-ness, Buffy fans!) I enter it and have a couple of drinks and it's always the same; by the time I leave it's morning and the whole night has passed in the snap of a finger... at first I put this down to the vodka, but then I stopped drinking the vodka.. so really there is no explanation. I'm recruiting scoobies just in case we are actually living on the Hell Mouth and somebody needs to save the day. I stopped by the local library to befriend the librarian but he didn't speak English.

Meanwhile I've been practising Polish by watching tv, but nothing interesting to report, as most of the programmes they show are American so you'll be familiar with them all. Their version of Deal or No Deal, you'll be happy to know, not only has just as stupid contestants but an equally 'optimistic' presenter who likes to improve the chances of the contestant winning by getting all family members to hold hands and think positively.... But they never win big because they're stupid and can't figure out the statistics, instead preferring to leave it to the cosmic forces... all highly amusing, especially when they end up with 200 zloty!!

Regular readers of this here blog (hi mum) will be familiar with what came to be known as ' the little devils'. Well, you will be glad to hear that the devils have returned, only this time they're bigger, older and more menacing than before. That's right, I have a group of teenagers which torment me and cause me no end of stress.... now known as the 'big rascals'. There's seven of them... imagine if you will, seven Kevin the Teenagers, all sitting together in a row with nothing but ME as the target of all their teenage angst and hatred of learning.

For your amusement:

Me: So, here on our practise exam, Part 2 'Speaking' it says you have to speak for 15 minutes with the examiner about this topic – 'Teenagers are lazy'. Student X, tell me what you think.
Kevin the Teenager 1 : Teenagers are lazy, most of them.
Me: Why do you think that?
KTT1: Because they do nothing.
Me: Ok does anyone agree?
****silence*****
Me: Does anyone disagree?
****silence*****
Me: Student Y, do you agree or disagree?
KTT2: I agree.
Me: Why?
KTT2: Because of what he said.
Me: Can you be more specific?
KTT3: Teenagers watch tv and surf the internet.
Me: So is surfing the internet lazy?
KTT1: Yes.
Me: Why?
KTT1: They sit and don't move.
Me: So you define lazy by not moving? What about reading a book, is that lazy?
KTT1: No....

..... and so it goes on, for an hour and a half which, by the way, isn't actually 90 minutes because on Thursdays at 5.45pm I enter a black hole in which time stands still. I told you things would get a bit 'Stephen King' as the winter sets in.... I'm living in a town where the teenagers have been replaced with zombies.....all I need to do now is start that novel about a person writing a novel who works as an English teacher in a school inhabited by the living dead. Hang on a minute....

Like in any reputable profession, the world of TEFL teaching has it's share of crazy-ass theorists who write books on the subject and lay claim to the indisputable methods of his or her particular line of work... But here in Poland there is a preference amongst the students for the theories of teaching put forward by a Mr Callan. Apart from his text books and methods of teaching being particularly old fashioned and based on repetition and repeated repetition, they revolve around a question – answer dialogue between the teacher and students......His favourite topic of discussion is death!

Here are some examples of his questions,and, please feel free to discuss amongst yourselves these topics whenever you have a spare minute or two:

If you fell asleep in the same room as a broken gas pipe what would happen?
.... and then the sample answer 'If I fell asleep... I would probably not wake up'.

Are you going to study English until you die?

And, not to bore you with his obsession with death, he obviously didn't see himself as a mere teacher of English but a philosophic genius with questions of age-old moral angst such as:

If somebody stole your umbrella would it automatically grant you the right to steal one back?

As somebody in one of the lessons pointed out to me, when I raised the issue that maybe the author of such questions was perhaps a bit cynical, Poland is apparently the most pessimistic nation of the world and so perhaps it's fitting that such a theory proves to be a success in this country. I'm just glad that these questions weren't required of me when teaching the Russians, otherwise I might have had to have therapy.

Elsewhere, I have not lost my knack for attracting strangers at bus stops, and today was engaged in a full Polish conversation with a non English speaking Polish woman! I managed to tell her that I didn't know, that I didn't understand and that I am English and also that I speak Polish not good. I managed to ask her where her daughter lives (although she provided me with the English word daughter). I was enthusiastically given a telephone number and seem to have made a binding verbal contract to give her daughter a ring on her mobile in order to speak English to her! How do I get myself in these situations just by minding my own business at the bus stop!?

Saturday was Independence day here in Poland and so what better way to celebrate than to show old British war films all weekend. In between learning Polish I have done nothing other than watch TV this weekend. Unfortunately I had no lessons to teach and so I had an abundance of free time.... On Saturday night I went to the local bar and witnessed karaoke Polish style. Unlike their spotlight-hogging British counterparts the Polish karaoke singer is accompanied on stage by all their friends and anyone who happens to be passing at the time. The microphone goes from singer to singer and the listener can't actually hear anything other than a garbled collection of noises! Which is fortunate for the listener, I suppose.

But more importantly, on the television we have Hell's Kitchen, American wife swap (both of these are overdubbed in Polish so it is possible to hear the original English if you listen carefully), Polish Super Nanny and as always, the Italian music channels playing a mixture of Euro-pop and that guy out of Blue (why oh why?).

The book I'm learning Polish from informs me that I'll master the basics in 4 weeks, so by Christmas I'll be bi-lingual, although when I practise my newly-acquired skills on my Polish acquaintances they struggle to understand me and so it seems much easier to just speak English. Have I mentioned that their language is impossible?!

With a lack of exciting news to relay to you I am forced to entertain you in other ways, so for your enjoyment, here are some facts that I have learnt about Poland (you see, I'm not a hogger of information, I like to share!).

First of all, Polish is a very hard language to acquire and anybody that does so is a genius! Also, attempts to speak Polish by a foreigner are met with looks of confusion/amusement/disgust (delete as appropriate – depending on which type of establishment said foreigner is in).

Secondly, Poland is governed by a Prime Minister and a President, and they are twins so, as you can imagine, conspiracy theories abound and nobody is sure if they have ever seen both leaders in the same room at the same time....

That's enough facts for the moment, but expect many more fascinating snippets of information to be coming your way to a blog near you soon (that's this one)!

I have been given more groups of teenagers to teach than is necessary for any teacher (one would be enough) and I can tell you that Polish teenagers are very polite but the girls giggle a lot. I get down with the kids though, we talk about Guns and Roses, and Sum 41....At least I have no under 10's to torment me.

This weekend was spent moving into my flat, which took all of 10 minutes.... then I went to the big town that is 15 km away called Katowice and saw a Polish 'rock' band – Kult. A very popular band in Poland, well, Europe – in all those countries that aren't so narrow minded as Britain and which play music by anyone regardless of which language they are speaking. So, they were ok but I don't think they'll make it in the UK. I think the 3 hour sets would quickly see to that. After this, we braved the weather and headed back to our little bar back in Mikolow, where we discovered that the locals had found amusement in a stray Portuguese boy who had that very night tasted vodka for the first time, and who was, by the time we arrived, wandering around in a daze and falling asleep standing up. This is what they do to foreigners here, they ply them with vodka, and make fun of their inability to keep up. I quickly learnt the rule; say 'nie' to vodka! After all, I have to keep the Albion flag flying high and proud, the last thing I would want is to be found falling asleep hugging a lamp post.

The snow has stopped. I'm moving in to my flat this evening so I can finally unpack my suitcase. I've been trying more Polish food and this time I can even remember what it's called, I tried Bigos which is a kind of soup I guess. It's got cabbage and chicken and a whole bunch of other ingredients which I couldn't identify in it. It was rather tasty that's for sure.

Life is slow here, so don't be expecting extravagant tales of wild adventure. There isn't even a cinema in this town, it was closed down. But, if something exciting does happen, you'll be the first to know!

Fear not dear readers, I have only compliments to report back to you about the food in this country (as long as one pays attention to the bread they eat). No need to worry about me wasting away like there was when I was in Russia (have I mentioned that I was in Russia? No? Well, that's another story entirely... to be found at www.rubbishontheradio.blogspot.com and hey, in case you ever feel bored why not spend an afternoon reading it).... where was I? Oh yeah... the food. Yesterday I had some traditional Polish food. Excuse me for not having yet grasped the language, I shall have to give you a description of what I had, but will not be able to provide the name of it, because I forget the words so easily. So, there was vegetables wrapped in a thin slice of venison covered in gravy and accompanied by small potato dumplings. Delightful. Swiftly followed by the mulled beer. Hooray!

Meanwhile, the snow continues to not so much fall as swirl about and I continue to wait for my flat to become vacant whilst picking up more and more American language from my American roomy. It's quite funny when we watch the European music channels and people like Robbie Williams and McFly are playing, she's like 'who's that?' and I'm like 'that's the elite of our British musical exports' and she's like 'they suck' and I'm like 'whatever!'

It's snowing!
I've experienced the tastiest drink EVER! It's mulled beer. Similar to the format of mulled wine but, obviously, with beer. It's got honey and cloves and cinnamon in it and it's just hot enough to warm your cockles!
I also experienced the Polish tradition of All Saints day and visited the cemerery last night where there were thousands of lantern candles burning in memory of the dead. It was very pretty indeed.

I think it's about time that you good people who take the time and effort to read this blog-thing deserved to see the town where I am living so here is a delightful picture of the town square situated right behind my flat.

Hey, never mind the language barrier between me and the Poles, I'm staying with an American at the moment until my 'apartment' is available and there's a whole bunch of new words that I'm picking up! So if I sound less British than usual don't be alarmed. She's bi-lingual though so she's been able to translate the tv shows for me, and I can report that there's nothing of great interest. We get Play or no Play the Polish equivalent of Deal or No deal and Hells Kitchen America but without the swearing, it seems the Polish citizens aren't ready for the filth that streams from Gordan Ramsey's mouth.

Ok there's now 2 pictures, you lucky lucky people. Don't say I'm not good to you.